Diary of a small, confused and corrupted cat
by Blue eyed fantasies
Summary: The title is fairly self explanatory. But this is the thoughts and musing of Chairman Meow - everything from the high price of tuna to Malec's sex life to world domination. Just a bit of fluff. It will be multi-chaptered and I will try to update everyday like an actual diary... R&R please?
1. Entry 1

**I'm in a humourous mood, sorry to any of those waiting for me to update my other stories. My messed up mind suddenly won't think of that and instead comes up with this...Don't know if it's been done before, if it has then sorry for being unoriginal or whatever. I know that there are notes from Chairman Meow on Tumblr and I don't mean to copy that or anything. My version of Chairman Meow is... Slightly different anyway as you'll see . Maybe a little OOC but then how can a cat be OOC?**

**Chairman Meow does not belong to me but to Cassandra Clare. And Gok, well I don't know who Gok belongs to...Certainly not me. Please read and review.**

**Day 1**

How, one may ask, does a cat muster up the ability to write a diary? Let's just say getting caught in the crossfire of one glittery owner's spells can result in disastrous consequences or miraculous blessings - depending on which way you look at it. In this case, it was the latter as I somehow developed thumbs, a marvellous creation which enables this very piece of writing to come to fruition.

Glittery owner doesn't know this yet and I plan to keep it a secret. He is rather gullible anyway. After all, he believes me to be a small, cute, unintelligent being that relies solely on his magic to survive. Although the first two may be true, I am by no means unintelligent. On the contrary, it is all a matter of waiting and biding my time. Yet now with this gift bestowed upon me I can put my plans of world domination into action...

Tomorrow perhaps. For now, Gok's fashion programme is on and sulky boy isn't here so I will lap up glittery master's attention and the extra leg room. World domination can wait for another day.

~ Chairman Meow


	2. Entry 2

**So, I don't know if anyone actually finds this funny. If so please do tell me in a review. I find it immensely fun to write if that's anything to go by... Although it's very different to what I usually write as it doesn't really have any description or angst. It's a nice change really.**

**I don't own the White House and yes, I'm aware it's not in New York. You'll see...Don't own Chairman Meow. Would anyone miss him if I steal him? Probably. I don't care though...:) **

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**Entry 2**

Sulky boy came in shortly after I made last entry and I was budged aside so that they could engage in amorous activities - or 'make out' as I believe is the slang those ridiculous humans call it. Therefore I did not see the result of Gok's makeover.

Not a happy kitty.

In a fit of rage at being so rudely treated, I stormed out of the apartment to start my world domination, thinking so naively that I did not need Glittery Owner to survive.

Note to self: never do that again.

After a few mere hours of wandering the filthy streets of New York, looking for the house of white where the president lives, I was cold, tired and ravenous. I lingered outside a Chinese restaurant, hoping for some scraps. Yes, I feel ashamed to admit it - I, Chairman Meow, sank to the level of scavenging due to my stubborness. My whiskers twitch with mortification. However, as I am well accustomed to Chinese food from Glittery Owner's lazy eating habits, I was rather looking forward to some duck spring rolls.

Alas, no such luck.

As soon as the rubbish was thrown out, 7 big, black cats came lurking out of the shadows. They were several times bigger than me and very muscly. I think they even had muscly tails. All in all, they were very menacing and promptly backed me into an alleyway, hissing threateningly. I ran away with my tail quite literally between my legs to escape a cat fight which I would have, inevitably, lost.

Therefore I returned, barging through the door quite dramatically in the hopes that Glittery Owner would sweep me up into his arms. Again, no such luck as he was engaged in more strenuous amorous activities with Sulky boy - i.e, having sex. That's right, they're so damn loud even a cat knows what they're doing, albeit a smart one.

It seemed like I wasn't getting any attention any time soon and as I wallowed in self pity, I came to the conclusion that to live in the big, bad world and put my world domination plans in motion I would need to 'get buff'. I am now starting a 6 week regime to get a six pack. Operation 'get buff' is a go.

Note to self: find 'kitty krawler' treadmill that Glittery Owner bought at Christmas and go online to look for weights suitable for kitties. Fortunately I have Glittery owner's credit card details memorised...

~Chairman Meow


	3. Entry 3

**So Chairman Meow's diary is slightly true to life. Currently I am doing a lot of exercising and eating healthily. I hate every minute of it and procrastinate a lot... Strange coincidence that it's in here as well... Don't worry though, not all of this is true to life. I don't have a Glittery Magnus. *pouts* oh how I wish he would own me. :( World domination on the other hand... Now that might be true to life. :)**

**Don't own Chairman Meow and the Kitty Krawler... Well I'm not sure if it actually exsists or not. Probably, in which case I don't own it...**

**Entry 3**

Awoke today with the full intentions of beginning my new training regime. My plans were soon thwarted when I was unable to locate my Kitty Krawler. Then Glittery Owner started to cuddle me exuberantly, whispering that I was the "best cat in the world". Somehow, I had the feeling that he was trying to flatter me to make up for the cruel treatment I suffered last night so I tried to retain my grudge and stay strong...

I can never stay mad at him when he scratches behind my ears though. I was soon purring contentedly like the pushover I am. Damn my measly lack of self control. My grudges only last for at best a few cuddles.

Spent the majority of the day with Glittery Owner and therefore did not start exercise regime. Operation 'get buff' will start tomorrow... Or next week...

Note to self: Get more self control and cover ears so Glittery owner can't exploit them.

~Chairman Meow


	4. Entry 4

**Thanks for all the reviews guys. :D *gives cookies* keep it up! :) **

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**Entry 4**

Discovered the merits of glitter today, other than eating it.

Note to self: must stop consumption of glitter. No matter how sparkly and delicious it looks, it does not look so sparkly and delicious when being hacked up onto Glittery Owner's spotless, white sofa. Glittery owner's face does not look nice either when he discovers it...

Today though, I sprinkled it on my fur. I must say that the colours add a dazzling vibrance to it which I rather liked. I'll confess I got a little carried away and, upon discovering where the glittery paint is hidden, I covered my whole body...

I've decided that powder puff pink is my favourite colour. Although it was barely discernible in the riot of colour. I resembled a freaking rainbow.

Afterwards, I felt the need to assert my masculinity though and took a look at some pics of some girl kitties... I'm not gay though, what a ridiculous notion. Maybe the glitter is going to my head...

Big note to self: Glittery owner does not appreciate his sparkly paint being spilt _everywhere_ in the apartment. _Everywhere_. When asked who did it, I indicated a picture of Sulky Boy with a nod of the head. The idiotic imbecile actually bought it though it was a close call...

Note to self 2: Find another excuse other than pointing at Sulky Boy.


	5. Entry 5

**Thanks for the lovely reviews guys - keep it up. :) Not so sure about this one...**

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**Entry 5**

Sulky boy stood on my tail today.

In muddy, heavy, military boots no less. One does not know how excruciatingly painful that is until it is experienced. How would _you_ like the weight of an almost 6 foot muscly shadowhunter on your measly, fluffy, little tail? I was incapacitated for the rest of the day, lying feebly on my stomach, my heavily bandaged tail sticking up in the air. A tragic sight.

He has now been demoted to just _Boy_. _Italicised_ to so show dislike.

Sadly I couldn't think of a bad enough nickname to express my distaste. The closest I got was Sulky (stupid-ass) boy. I prefer the first, not as long-winded and still insulting. _Boy_.

No-one. Steps. On. My. Tail.

It is unforgivable, utterly unforgivable.

I will be getting my revenge.

Note to self: Sharpen claws.

~Chairman Meow


	6. Entry 6

**I realised today that I haven't done disclaimers for the last few chapters. I didn't own them then and I don't own them now so don't get the wrong idea... **

**This isn't my best but I've been watching the Olympics all day so naturally Chairman Meow would too...**

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**Entry 6**

Glittery Owner forced me to watch something called the 'Olympics' today. From what I gathered of my one day of watching, it is a world wide event that is supposedly meant to 'bring countries together'. Somehow, I don't see it. It seems to be just lots of humans doing ridiculously strenuous activities (not the same kind of strenuous activities Glittery Owner and _Boy_ do,) to receive a hunk of metal and have some silly tune played.

I was utterly outraged as well, to find that _horses_ - the vulgar, nasty animals - were included and not cats! What a travesty! I stopped watching after discovering that cat fights are not included as an official sport. Ridiculous!

However, despite my scepticism of this so called 'Olympics', it gave me the opportunity to cuddle all day long with Glittery Owner. I had his undivided attention - as it should be. The natural order had been restored and I mean to keep it that way.

_Boy_ was not there.

This may be due to the fact that upon him entering the threshold, I sank my sharpened claws about an inch deep in his skin. He promptly left before I got a chance to go past stage 1 of my revenge. That's right, I have it all planned out. It's on a top secret piece of paper entitled 'My evil plan of revenge in 29 easy to follow steps', hidden in a top secret location. Glittery Owner never goes near my litter box anyway. It's all done by magic.

Glittery Owner is in an awkward position or "stuck between a rock and a hard place" as I believe the expression goes. He will have to decide. It's either me or _Boy_. Obviously, he will chose me. Who wouldn't?

Meanwhile, I will bide my time, plotting and waiting. Patience is a virtue even if I have no idea what that means...

Note to self: Draw up some more subtle revenge plans. Maybe invest in a crowbar and more rope, lots of rope.

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**Review? :)**


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